On Parenting, Memory & Loss
Molly California 2005
October 22, 2025
This morning as I light the candle I thought of Molly and Joanna and Marshall. The first time I met Joanna Macy was a time when I brought Marshall Rosenberg to her home in Berkeley. My daughter Molly, aged 14, skipped school (as she tried to do whenever Marshall was in town) and came along.
It's one of my fondest memories: meeting Joanna who had been a 'shero' of mine, and a lifeline navigating my environmental despair for at least 15 years at that point. At the time I served on the Center for Nonviolent Communication board. I hoped to persuade the organization to refrain from trying to certify trainers. I didn't believe and remain unclear how one certify the practice of an awareness discipline, which is what Nonviolent Communication is in so many ways. Additionally it would create hierarchies without clear guardrails. Joanna, a systems thinker, was taking a very different route in her large global network called the Work that Reconnects.
It was an unforgettable event for me personally, and I loved it as a parent too. I wondered what influence it might have for Molly to be around these remarkable people.
This time, as I recall that day, I realize that I am now the only one of the four of us still living. I don't know what meaning to make of that other than acceptance, some loneliness, and tears.
That was also the week I had negotiated with Molly about missing school and how much time she could do that. In her skillful way, she tried to back out of the agreement we had made. Feeling very torn, wanting her to learn to keep agreements, I drove her to school. She exclaimed "You can't make me go into the building!" as I dropped her off. I said "I know. What you do now is your choice." Very heavy-hearted, I left to pick up Marshall. We began a long drive to Ukiah from the Bay area for an interview. When he asked how I was doing and I described what had just happened with Molly he looked at me and said 'How does it feel to be someone's jailer?' I can't remember if I just thought fuck you or if I said it out loud. We ended up laughing and having a great day together.
It reminded me of the first time I met Marshall in Cleveland in 1995. He was doing a workshop there organized by the amazing Rita Herzog. A parent in the workshop asked him about negoating bedtimes with children. He asked “Does your dog have a bedtime?” She shook her head. He nodded and replied “Do you think your kid is smarter than your dog? Bedtimes are to meet the needs of parents, not of kids.”
I would give alot to have more hours in Marshall's often outrageous company, even one more long drive together. I love him and miss him. He changed the trajectory of my life. Equally I love and miss Joanna, the most informed pessimist who nonetheless did all she could for our lovely planet in her 90 plus years. She changed my life. And today on the anniversary of your death Moll I send my deep gratitude. You are the biggest life architect of them all. I hope the three of you bump into each other sometimes on the other side. My heart aches and swells at the thought.
